A new dawn…

Another year is almost over.

I always feel a little melancholy at New Year.

The week in between Christmas and New year is a time when no one really knows what day it is or what they should be doing, if anything. It is an odd, almost suspended time. As I sit here now I can’t quite comprehend that it is a Monday and tomorrow is Tuesday, the start of a fresh New Year.

It is however, quite nice to finally heave a huge sigh of relief that Christmas is all over, once again. Somehow and not without some stress and moments of absolute delirium, I pulled it out the bag and I can not tell you how close it was this year. It never ceases to amaze me that every year I manage to bestow upon my children all the things necessary to ensure they have a wonderful time for these two spectacular days of the year. How I do it and remain sober is a question I ask myself often, but once again I happy to say ‘I did it’ but I am also very happy to leave Christmas well and truly behind now.

As for the New Year, I have never really seen it as anything particularly exceptional. I suppose I am glad to still be here to see the New Year in, but given that I am fairly healthy and not quite senile, I would have expected to be. I expect to see a few more in yet!

People talk of ringing the changes and making fresh starts and resolutions, joining gyms and setting goals and while this is all very fine and dandy these are usually things you can do on any day of the year. They don’t only sell gym membership on January 1st, you can buy them all year round. The only difference with buying them on January 1st is that by January 18th you will have realised that the gym is not for you and cake is. Perhaps you will go again in March, just in time to get that Summer body? Perhaps you won’t. What you will be doing though, is still paying your monthly subscription.

See, I told you I was melancholy.

It is annoying though. I have done it myself, so I know. I procrastinate, I talk myself in and out of things on a daily basis. One minute I want to do this and the next I want to do that. The start of a new year does not mean that I will have any better ideas than I had last year and neither does it mean that I will have any more of the tenacity required to see them through.

While I do not wish this post to be laden with misery, I can not see an awful lot changing for me and if anyone is sitting there saying shit like ‘only you can change your destiny’ then it’s a good job I can’t hear you.

I wholeheartedly agree with the fact that I am in charge of my own life and it is up to me what happens next. However, this is also largely shaped by circumstance and situation. Any decisions I make are largely influenced by the fact that I am a sole provider, single parent, with an ordinary job and an ordinary life, who lets face it struggles to put food on the table some weeks, so jet setting halfway around the world on a last-minute whim is absolutely NOT going to be happening for me in 2019. The best I can hope is that my ‘new’ old car makes it through the year, that will make me truly thankful.

For me for this ‘New Year’, I don’t really want anything to change.

I am happy..ish. My children are healthy and happy as are my family. My friends make me laugh and smile everyday and I love them all, very differently, because they are all so different but all lovely in their own way. I have a home and although I may joke about having no food, we eat, even if it is fish fingers. We are warm, and when we are cold we have jumpers and plenty of them. I also have vodka, for which I really am truly thankful and whatever the year throws at us this time, I’m ready.

Another year is another day, an extension of the last day of the previous year.

Nothing is ending and nothing is beginning, we are just continuing. Moving on. Taking each day as it comes and trying to make the most out of each and every one of them. Some of them will be shit and some of them, not quite so shit, but every now and then you will get a good one, lets just hope there is a least a few of those to look forward to.

Happy New Year!

Much Love LLB ❤

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