Cock and ball…

Life, love and bollocks has turned in to just bollocks of late.

There is still life and by that I mean I am alive, there is love, not in the romantic sense but love all the same but most of all there are bollocks and plenty of them.

By bollocks I mean bollocks, actual bollocks you know the meat and two veg variety.  I haven’t had my hands on any of these bollocks they have just arrived in my inbox, as bollocks often do.  Apparently?

I am going to confess right here, right now that I am struggling to find things to say about the bollocks.

For example; this morning I had a picture message from a guy I had been talking to a while back, I won’t bother to try to explain who he is, as it is barely worth the effort but suffice to say we met and were supposed to meet again and very nearly did but he was a bit too crude for my tastes and so I became very lapse at replying, hoping that would be hint enough and it was, it seems, or at least until this morning when he sent a picture of his nicely washed, neatly pruned and very erect penis.

It was an upshot, the whole package balls and all, up and ready to face the day ahead.

When I first delved into online dating I was nice, polite and oh so charming.  Now I am hard, harsh and bordering on rude, in an offensive way not in a sharing parts of my body kind of way.

I realise that some people do find all this sexting, texting and very intimate sharing all very sexy and fun but me, well I just find it a bit boring if I’m being totally honest.

At first I will admit there were a few people with whom I did share a certain kind of message every now then and it can be fun in the right circumstances and of course if you feel comfortable but there in lies the problem, at least for me, I am not entirely comfortable with it.

Why?  Well, I can’t think of any reason other than I am a bit shy.  Maybe just a bit old-fashioned?

I’d quite like to get to know you a bit, you know a bit of chat about this and that, start with some goofiness, lead on to flirting and then you can start misbehaving…

I don’t know if I’m shy, perhaps not 😉 but I do just find it all a bit awkward.

It is the readiness of it all I struggle with.   I’m not sure I want to see any old Tom, Dick or Harry’s goods, thank you but it seems I do not have a choice.  They do not come with a warning, although just the fact that you have received a picture message is usually warning enough.

I am a sharer by nature and can quite easily hog a conversation and often do (I should think about that a bit more sometime), it is not intentional but I get carried away, I love to chat, to talk and to laugh and tell stories, I like to amuse but I am quite secretive.  The buddies would probably disagree with this but that is exactly my point.  I have known the buddies a long time now and we see each other everyday, practically therefore, I do not have a problem divulging my innermost thoughts, among other things, with them.  I probably share a little bit too much sometimes but it’s girl talk.

If and when I have been in a relationship I have of course indulged in a little sauciness, I am not adverse to it.  I do however, like to feel there is a little more going on other than the need to continually stroke someone’s ego.

After all these years I am well aware that penis’ come in all shapes and sizes and am of the opinion that if you seen a variety you have a rough idea of what to expect.

I have a rough idea of what to expect.

However, you are not being shown the penis so that you decide whether or not it is suitable for your vagina.  You are being the shown the penis because the male is horny and would like to masturbate and therefore the male is trying to engage you, he wants you to  respond with a picture of your vagina, so he can visualise where he would like to put his penis, then before he goes to work he can unload and set off with a spring in his step.

The male obviously has a lot more time on his hands than I do in the mornings!

Which leads me to ponder on why you wouldn’t just have a little look on porn hub, select a video of your choice and get the job done, without feeling the need to irritate me.  I have lunches to make for heaven’s sake.

This morning’s picture was for all intent and purposes a ‘nice’ picture of a healthy, robust looking penis, it was just the sort of penis you would like to wake up to in the mornings and I confess that for a split second my eyes sent a little..   Mmm, that’s nice to my brain, at which point my brain fired straight back with, Jesus Christ! What am I supposed to say to that?  I haven’t even had a coffee yet.  

Leaving my phone on the side as if to contemplate a reply I continued on with the morning, trying not to let my libido get the better of me.

I have no idea what to say.  Ooh that’s lovely!  Or,  Oh wow what a delicious looking cock!

Sorry, not going to happen.  I just can’t bring myself to schmooze like that, it is just so not me.

I would be more likely to say;   That’s nice baby but I’d rather see it under the breakfast bar than over the wi-fi, hope you can drive ok with it!  Or  Great angle gorgeous, looks lovely and smooth, you must have been in the shower ages. 

I don’t reply.  I just don’t have the words.

Over the last week I have been talking to another guy.  Although, it’s safe to say we  hadn’t messaged very much, his conversation was not exactly riveting.  So I was surprised once again when on Sunday I started getting shots of his body.  He has a nice body and he is clearly very keen for everyone to see it.  Shot one was him on a sun lounger, bare-chested with the caption;  enjoying the sun.  Shot two was similar, a shot of him standing, still bare-chested and still obviously enjoying the sun.

No other messages came my way that day, I’m not sure what he was expecting but he got.. Lovely, I hope you have sun cream on? 

He said he would send me more later!  Oh goody.  I can’t wait.

I said,  Why? I’m not interested in making a pin-up calendar, it’s really not my thing. 

Not the response he was hoping for I suspect.  Haven’t heard from him since, I’m gutted as he seemed so intelligent too.

I read an online article the other day that men are taking double the amount of selfies as opposed to women now, especially the naked variety.  I would say this is probably true, I have seen my fair share of online dating profiles now and I would say that there are far more naked men than there are naked women.  While I realise it is far less revealing for a man to be bare-chested than it would be for a woman, it does not alter the fact that a lot of men have headless, naked torso shots as profile pictures.

I love a naked body, I love bodies full stop and neither do I see myself as a prude but I have got to be honest and say that I can not tell by your headless torso if we will have anything in common and neither quite frankly do I wish to find out.  I will enjoy looking at your headless torso, I am not dead but it will not make me want to message you, I will be content to have a look, make a suggestive comment, to myself, and move on.

I have got to have a bit more than that.

The thought that half the female population has been gifted your cock by way of a virtual greeting card really is quite a turn off.

Your body is fantastic babe and I’m sure it would look bloody lovely in my bed but please tell me there that there is a little bit more to you than that.