In the dark…


I have recently discovered that I do not know what I want.  I don’t know who I am.

This may come as no surprise to you guys, as you may have worked this out already?

I have lost interest in the whole online dating thing.  I have hardly been online and when I have it is only because Mack has messaged.  However, Wednesday was my last communication with Mack, we have not spoken since.   Actually, he messaged yesterday, I replied, he replied and then I lost it.  I lost my will to talk, anymore.

Sterling, who was, quite literally, a five-minute wonder, never responded to my last message asking if there was any point to his daily Good Mornings and Good nights. 

Flash, well he is just Flash. He messages frequently and wants to meet on Tuesday but it’s half term, so that is out of the question this week.  He will wait though.  Flash is a bit childlike in a funny sort of way.  He gets over excited in that Labrador puppy, kind of way and gets a hard on at the drop of a saucy text but he is sweet/cute in a very unmanly way.  He is not for me but he is a, for me right now, if you get my drift.

Otherwise there is little to tell on the dating front.  I haven’t been on an actual date for what seems like ages.  I am lacking in conversation.  I mean real conversation about something other than sex.

I am in no way an intellectual.  I mean, I am educated, in that I went to school, well for the most part.  I passed my GCSE’s and went to college. I have travelled.  I read.  I like to learn and love trivia.  I am interested in things, all things, whatever they might be and I love nothing more than a good conversation.  I am not particularly knowledgable about any given subject but I could probably hold my own on most topics.

I need someone to stimulate my mind.

Just recently, well a few months ago actually, I started chatting to an old friend.  Let’s call him Gemini.  Gemini is married.  He has been married a long time and years ago when we first knew each other, which was pre-children for me, he was married then too.  I was still single and had recently returned from working abroad when we bumped in to each other again.  Back then there were a couple of times when we nearly crossed the friend zone.

He married young and has remained married all this time but has always indulged in extra marital activity.

We always got on well and made each other laugh easily, we had always been able to chat about all sorts of things and we were attracted to each other.  However something always stopped me from crossing the line with him.

It was the fact that even then, I knew that he was a bit different.

There are some people in life who you connect with, not necessarily on every level but in a way that you feel inside you are the same.  I was a bit shy around him when I first knew him, I lacked confidence then and he seemed so sure of who he was but I was just not as brave.

He is an eclectic mix of a man.  He is open about who is, what he does and what he is about and I love that about him.  He is an acquired taste he is very honest about his somewhat deviant sexual preferences and his very unorthodox spiritual beliefs.  He practices old religions.  I find this fascinating.

As friends, which I suppose is what we still are, even though it has been a few years since we have spoken we still have an openess about our relationship.  This morning he said, that he doesn’t know why he tells me some of the things he does.

I don’t either.  I suppose it is because at the end of the day everyone needs to talk to someone.  I am very much single, I don’t have anyone to properly confide in.  I don’t share things easily and find it difficult to open up emotionally but I feel like I could do that with Gemini.  However, there lies the danger.  I am a naturally guarded person, I don’t share easily, I wrestle with my heart and my head on a daily basis.

I can’t let myself become too attached to him, he is already attached.  I am not sure if I want him sexually, or for that matter if he wants me, although some of the things we talk about excite me and make me curious about what it would be like.

My fear is vulnerability.  I am scared of anyone knowing the real me.  I would rather not speak than tell someone, that deep down inside I crave some who will just love me, for me, with all my imperfections.  Someone who wants to take care of  me.  I’m so tired of being so tough.

In the next breath I will say that I don’t need taking care off, I can manage perfectly well on my own and of course I can.  I have been.  It is not particularly hard, although it has its ‘oh shit’ moments.  I have issues, that is something that is becoming increasingly evident to me.  I can’t talk about my issues, not yet.  Maybe admitting that I have them, out loud, is a start.

They are not serious issues, they do not stem from childhood or anything particularly sinister they are just issues I have with myself.  My struggle to break down the gigantic wall I have put up around myself for protection.  My eagerness to fight, before it is necessary and the ability to shut down my emotions, to cut myself off from anyone who has the potential to make me feel, well, anything at all really.

To me a relationship is about sex, nothing more.  Is that normal?  Probably not.  I think sex is a kind of love, an adoration, a power.  It is not though an emotional connection, not for me anyway.   I can’t connect the two.  To me love is something very different, it is a fairytale almost.  The unreachable, the impossible.

I expect too much from love, I know this.  I have compartmentalized.

I keep my desire for sex and company separate from my desire to be stimulated both in mind and body.  My wall doesn’t protect my heart it protects my mind, it stops me from revealing my true self, my thoughts and my desires and my inner workings.  The things that make me tick.  These are the things that are so important to me they can not be shared at will.

I am just starting to admit to myself that I think maybe I need a bit more.  A bit more than just casual, than just sex.  I need something whole, something with substance that captivates me.  I love a good thrill as much as the next guy but I feel like my mind is dying.

I’m at a point in my life where I need to reassess.  This may not come in the shape of relationship at all but just something new for me.  A leap of faith, a new direction, who knows, maybe it’s just time for a change.

Maybe, this feeling will pass as quickly as it seems to have arrived.  So fleeting are my thoughts.






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