My reflection…

Do you know what struck me this weekend?

A very odd feeling of loneliness.  I realised this weekend that Tom and Elsie are starting to have lives of their own and they don’t generally include me, well not unless you count the ferrying them around bit.

Elsie has been at her friends all weekend and Tom had arranged to meet some of his friends in town on Saturday so that left me home alone, unexpectedly, to be honest.

The next thing that struck me was that for all my harping on about a casual relationship, there is casual and then, there is casual.  I mean truth be told I don’t have a relationship at the moment but say for example I do go into this thing with M, who it turns out does have a GF but hey, we knew that really.  Didn’t we?  It will be too casual.  Will it?

Take Saturday for example, there I was, home alone.  The weather was shit and although I cracked on around the house, not something I am overly keen on doing at weekends to be honest.  I thought wouldn’t it be nice to have someone you could just call and meet,  for lunch or for something, not sex but something outside of sex.  Well ok, sex as well but lunch first.

This is where I suppose you think about the future and not the now.  In the now I am more than happy to have my weekly sex sessions with M, if that is how it turns out but in the future is this going to be enough?  Probably not, if I am already questioning it.

M and I are still texting, he wants to meet next week and I, at first, was quite happy with that.  However, it will be daytime again and now we know why.  This is not an issue for me as daytime suits me.  I don’t have to worry about the kids and I can usually spring a day off work.  Generally speaking I can swap my days around to suit providing everything is covered.   So daytime is usually a great time to arrange a date.

However, on reflection, I am not convinced that this arrangement will suit me for long.  I want to be able to meet the guy I am seeing, when I want to and not just when he wants to.  I want to be able to go out and have fun too.  Sometimes I might even want to spend a whole weekend with him,  not often granted but that is clearly not going to be possible with M.

I am obviously still actively looking for someone who fits that particularly tall order, it just isn’t proving to be a very fruitful search at present.

I am not adverse to the idea of M still.  After all it is just sex and I want it and he wants it, so I am still thinking about it, despite the GF.  Morally, well I’m not addressing that at present.  Sorry!

Yesterday I did spend some time online as I was at a loose end and despite my best efforts, messages from most of the men I struck up conversations with led to talk about sex of some kind.  Whether that be innuendo based or just blatant ‘do you want it’ chat.

I still get lots of messages from thirty something blokes looking to idle away their free time sexting.  They all seem to love the ‘older woman’ and they all give you different reasons as to why.   Most of them are rubbish.  I  am pretty sure that I am not alone in their attention, as they seem not to be too fussy and are very happy to move on when told to do so.    I am not entirely comfortable being the ‘older woman’ as I do not consider myself to be particularly old.  I certainly don’t want to be a cougar or whatever the new term for it is these days.

At first I thought it was fairly flattering. After all, I’m no spring chicken and to have a message from someone fit and ten years younger than you, must mean you are quite attractive, right?  Perhaps it does?  However, it feels shallow and although I am happy to indulge in a little light relief every now and then , if and when I find someone I like,  I won’t be made to feel grateful for the attentions of  some young thing who thinks he’s God’s gift to mankind.

This is a level playing field, you want to play the game feel free but we are neither of us doing the other one a favour.

Flirting is fun.  We all love that feeling you get when someone is paying you attention.  It lifts your mood and makes you smile.  Harmless flirtation is what we all do, often, in our everyday lives, sometimes without even realising it.

There is nothing wrong with that but these days it seems everyone thinks they are Christian Grey.  Jesus!  That woman has a lot to answer for.

The question on everyone’s lips these days is not;  ‘Where did you go on your holidays?’, or ‘Whats your favourite band?’   It is;  ‘Are you submissive or dominant?’  and  ‘Will you let me be your master?’

This is one of the many conversations I had;

Oh and I am going to call him TOY for short as his user name is too long and Stars Wars related, that alone should have rung alarms bells.  TOY is 44 and from Sussex.

TOY:  Hi, how’s your weekend going? Why are you so far away?

Me:    Hi, Good thanks. Yours?  Well I suppose it’s to see how far you are willing to travel?

TOY:  I’d happily travel to you but would you travel to me? 😉 x

Me:    Haha. Well I don’t think you are that far to be fair… so yes, if I liked you enough                   then I would. 🙂

TOY:  Well that’s a good start. Lol  So what are you looking for on here? x

Me:    The impossible it seems.  A nice guy, who is good company, likes going out, staying              in, makes good coffee, eats cake, is intelligent and confident and likes sex.  Can’t                  find one anywhere!

TOY:  I’m up for all that, especially the sex bit… but are you open-minded? 😉 x

Oh, here we go? One mention of the S word and there they go, off into the realms of kinky fuckery.

Me:   Be more specific?  (going to give him the benefit of the doubt)

Toy:  Heels?  Stockings?  Suspenders?

Really, doesn’t everyone do that?

Me:   OK, well for sure, if it gets that far.

TOY:  Do you have heeled boots?  What about spanking?  Face Sitting?  Pain?

Me:   Oh!  How have we moved on so quickly, we only just said Hi?                                                    Well, I don’t mind a bit of  Role play, dressing up some light bondage.  Nothing too              in your face!!   Pardon the pun.

My fantastic sense of humour is lost at this point as his brain has gone on a one way journey to Smuttsville.

TOY:   Are you submissive or dominant, I like to mix it up.  Do you have heeled boots?

Me:     No. I don’t have heeled boots, well not that variety anyway.   I do have a very nice              shoe collection though.

I’m assuming he means the thigh high, spiky kind in black pvc? 

TOY:   Are you submissive or dominant?  What other kinky things do you like doing?

Me:     Look, I’m not even sure I want to meet you yet?  Or ever!  So I think I will save my              sexual preferences for if and when I do decide, if that’s ok with you?

TOY:  Yes, I understand that.  We do need to get to know each other first… would you                    still like to?

At this point, needing a break and a large slug of vodka, I have logged off.  I can take no more.  I am opting out of this conversation.

It’s draining all this pie in the sky stuff.  If I thought for one second there was a remote possibility that we would meet, connect and then decide to see what happens, I am more than happy to have the ‘what do you like in the bedroom’ chat but lets not get a head of ourselves and lets not fool ourselves into thinking that this is going to be anything like the scenes from ‘the movie’.

I am all for exploring options but can’t we do that once we have decided if we might actually like each other.  I mean if it turns out that you don’t want to take me for a coffee until you know whether or not I’m going to sit on your face afterwards, then lets just not bother.

You see the funny thing with me is.  I will do an awful lot for someone I like and even more for someone I love.  There are things that I have done with some partners that I haven’t done with others and it is because either they or I were uncomfortable with it at the time.   I am open to trying new things and hopefully continuing to do all the things I already know I enjoy but with the right person.

I have had some seriously sexy conversations with some men.  It is an art form in a way but a conversation is no replacement for reality.  In reality these things are never the same as played out in your mind.  Your mind is a powerful tool the imagery it can produce is an aphrodisiac in itself.

When it is done well the words unfold in your mind, you make them as erotic as you want them to be, it is sensual and exciting and it can turn you on.  It can be extremely erotic.

What is not erotic is someone just bowling into a 3 second coversation. ‘Will you sit on my face?’   No.  I won’t, but I might slap it if you’re not bloody careful!


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