New year, new me…

… and if you believe that, quite frankly you will believe anything.

I don’t make New Years resolutions.  I have never really fallen for that whole, this year is going to be so much better, shit.

The coming year will be pretty much the same as the one that passes and yes I expect there will be things that change and things that stay the same but the only thing that the New Year reminds me, is that time waits for no man.

Time marches on whether you are ready to march with it or not.

Happy and sad things happen to most people every single year, one year is not much worse or better than the last and the only thing that makes one year more memorable than another is if something truly horrible, or on the flip, something absolutely wonderful happens.

In 2010 my Dad passed away.  It is a year that rings in my ears for lots of reasons but what stands out is that one single thing because it changed our lives forever.   That year will always considered by my family to be one of the worst.   In 2012 my sister married and it was such a wonderful day for so many different reasons, that this year sticks in our minds too.

In 2011 though, I can’t think of a single thing that happened and I’m sure it was a year that had its ups and downs but it was just another year.

We naturally change as people as we go through life.  It’s ups and downs shape us as we grow older and the things that happen to us mould our characters.  We become our life experiences.

Naturally we all hope to evolve in to stronger, hopefully, better people because of the experiences we have had.  We learn from our mistakes (well I try) and as we age we become more appreciative of all the things that surround us.

We still have hopes and dreams, otherwise what would be the point in going forward but we tolerate less, we do not feel a need to please and we speak our minds, we are honest and true to ourselves.  That is surely what we all want each year to bring us.  Not a years gym membership that we will probably only use for two Thursdays in January at best.

Besides if you want to join a gym or give up smoking or give some time to charity, you don’t have to do it on January the 1st, there are 364 other days you could try it too.  The success rate is, according to statistics, marginally higher if you do decide try it on a day other than January the 1st.

Personally, I think the only thing I am going to try to achieve this year, at some point, is to kick my addiction to online dating.  I do feel it has become a bit of an addiction, to be honest.  In a way that I never really saw coming.

I thought I would be able to dip in and out of it, as and when and that it wouldn’t take over my life but I was wrong.  It kind of has taken over my life and so far, not in a very positive way.

Online dating makes you question yourself, a lot.  You over analyse things and it can have a tendency to make you feel in some way lacking, lacking in whatever it is people are looking for.  My friends, some who have done it the past and some who currently do it, all say the same but our quest for love, or something similar, is what drives us to continue on this hazardous path.

Obviously,  I still have my date with T booked in for the 6th of January, I am tenuously holding on to it with both hands and trying not to let go of whatever it is that is keeping us on track at the moment.  Should this date fail or indeed not go ahead as scheduled for whatever reason, this will be my New Year off to a rather pitiful start.

In some ways I am setting myself up for a fall as I know there is every chance that this date will not go ahead, for a variety of reasons.  Why on earth would I choose to start the New Year in this way?

The answer is simple.  Hopes and dreams baby, hopes and dreams.

I hope that T is the one, who will for a while, if not forever, be my sidekick.  I have to hope that, otherwise what is the bloody point?  I have to hope that we will like each other, enough to continue to see each other, enough to see what becomes of it all.  You just have to hope in general.

I should mention that P has been kicked to the kerb.  So all my eggs, so to speak, are now firmly in T’s basket.  Dangerous territory, indeed.

P, unfortunately, got his marching orders this morning after questioning me about who I was ‘online’ talking to until 4.26 am!  I wasn’t in fact talking to anyone, although I was chatting to both P and T, until around 2.30 am, when I finally passed out on the sofa with my phone still in my hand.  I can only assume that my apps were still running and P decided that he would just keep an eye on what time I eventually logged off.  Seriously?

It is way to early for that kind of shit.  We haven’t even met yet.  Yes, we have been speaking for a week or so and we have phoned and video called each other but we have not met and until you do and until you have that conversation, where you at least decide if you want to see other again, I don’t think you can be too demanding of someone.

I certainly would not ask the same of either of them.

It was unreasonable of him to assume that we are exclusive in any way.  As someone who values her independence and doesn’t really like being told what to do, I found that a little bit difficult to deal with and I told him so.

I don’t do insecure very well.  I know that sounds harsh but I don’t.  I am not an ego stroker.  I need a strong and confident person, who will be equal to me, if not a bit stronger willed than I am.  I will not be an easy person to manage otherwise.  I can be strong-willed and rebellious and I need a strong man.

No pressure T.

I knew one of them wouldn’t make in to 2018.  I mean I’m all for feeling positive but it would have been a miracle not to have expected something to happen.  T has only a few hours to get through to at least make in to the New Year, whether or not he is in it for long remains to be seen.

So as I settle down this evening with Elsie and Tom, our drinks and nibbles and a good film to last us until the New Year celebrations start on the TV, I do hope it is a good year.  I hope it’s a good year for us and for you all.

… but there will be none of this new year, new me bollocks. Last year I was fabulous and next year I will be just as fabulous!

Happy New Year! 😉




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