All I want for Christmas…

Twas the Wednesday after Christmas and all around people were feeling tired, fat and just a little bit deflated.

If your Christmas was anything like mine it has been spent eating, drinking, hardly sleeping and trying not to fall out with anyone.  Today I feel like I haven’t slept for about a month, something not very pleasant, that comes from complete over indulgence, feels like it is burning a whole in my stomach and if I see another sausage roll I think I am going to be sick.

Tom and Elsie have had a great time.  So, it is mission accomplished, after all it is about the kids and although they are not that young anymore they still get super excited.

I didn’t think they were ever going to get to sleep Christmas Eve.  Staying awake to do the Christmas Eve stocking is a killer.  In fact I didn’t, I feel asleep while waiting for them to fall sleep, luckily the inner mum or some other worldly something, woke me up with a start an hour or so later and reminded me that I had yet to be Father Christmas.

Every year at this time I swear and curse those bloody stockings.  Tom and Elsie have had the same stockings since they were babies, they are a bit tatty now and have bells on them.  However, despite the fact that they are becoming a little threadbare and Tom’s has the makings of a hole in the bottom of it, the bells are still working perfectly well.  So as I tip toe around the hallway trying my best to manoeuver the creaky floorboards, I may as well be shouting ‘wake up, wake up’, I can not get those bloody bells to stop ringing.

It doesn’t matter how slowly I move they just jingle!

Every year I say I am going to replace them but they will not have it!

At 6.25 am I heard those jingling bells again as Tom and Elsie appeared in the doorway grinning from ear hole to ear hole.  They apparently had been awake since 5 am but had the good sense (one of the tiny advantages to them being slightly older and marginally wiser), not to wake me up that early.  A tired Mum is a grumpy Mum, Elsie worked this out quite quickly.

I love the fact that are still very excited about Christmas.  It will not always be like this and in a few years time it will not be as exciting for them as the magic slowly fades.  I must make the most of them still being innocent enough to get caught up in all the wonder of it all.  Watching their faces Christmas morning is a joy, they are and always have been very grateful children.  Which I am very proud of.

I am not the sort of Mother who buys lots of things for my children all year round.  I’m kind of a ‘if you need it you can have it but if you don’t it can wait’ Mum, they get occasional treats but not the likes of phones or gadgets, expensive make up or trainers etc.  These things do not come on the list of things you need.

So at Christmas I do go a bit mad.  They can make a list of all the things they want and believe me some of it is ridiculously expensive but it’s a one time only offer and so usually they do get most of the things that they desire.  Obviously still within reason, I mean, I’m not a millionaire.

So Christmas morning they were excited and happy and very pleased with all the things that Santa delivered.  Phew.  Job done.

In my Christmas stocking this year I got a stack full of face cream, a girls DIY manual with a tool box and the ‘Little Miss Shy goes online dating’ book.  So, not a hint of anything remotely relating to my age and marital status there then!!

What I was really hoping for, was a huge hunk of man naked and nicely wrapped up in a glittery red bow but not this year it seems!  You know a bit like him in the photo.  Not much to ask is it?  How good do you have to be to get the things that you really, really want?

As, if I’m totally honest I think it’s a bit late for face cream now.  The damage has already been done.

The books were actually quite amusing and despite my reluctance to admit it, will probably come in quite handy in 2018 when I enter in to another year, single and fast approaching half a century.  Half a fucking century!  If you could see my face.

This morning as I was updating my 2018 diary, another Christmas present, I noticed my birthday is on a Saturday next year.  Oh joy, more pressure to do something exciting.  At least if it was a week day I could just go to work.  I don’t want to be 46.  I know this sounds petulant but I don’t.  I would do almost anything to not be 46.  Literally.  Please, just make it stop.

I want to cry at the thought of being 46.  I don’t know why I find it so horrifying but I do.  I haven’t found any of my previous birthdays horrifying.  I wasn’t worried when I turned 30 or 40 and I didn’t feel like this on any of the birthdays leading to this one but this one is different.  Why it is different I don’t know.

I just feel like my life is slipping away.  Dramatic, I know and I’m not necessarily feeling sorry for myself it’s just that I’m not ready.  I was never quite ready to be an adult and to be fair have been winging it for quite some time now.  I am not ready to get any older, I just want to stay here for a while, I like it here.  I am content here, well apart from the dating debacle but I’m getting the hang of that now.  Oh, that made me laugh out loud.  I like to think I’m getting the hang of it anyway.

Maybe it’s because I am single that I don’t want to get any older?   I certainly don’t think it helps.  If it is hard now to find someone you like, who likes you and wants to actually spend time with you, it will surely only get harder the older you get?

I am still texting with T, P and M, although M is very much on the back burner,  otherwise it seems to be going well.  The texts with M have become very sporadic, I’m not sure if this was just a natural downward spiral as they were a bit boring or if it’s because T and P are much better at it and have kind of consumed all my time.  P especially is very keen and texts often as does T, who also seems very keen but doesn’t text quite as often as P.  I still like them both.  T is just about edging at the moment.

T and I have arranged to meet on the 6th of January.  This is a long way off so I am remaining open-minded about it.  As yet I haven’t arranged anything with P who wants to meet now but now is difficult, as it’s Christmas/New Year and the kids are at home and well, it’s just not as easy as that.  While I don’t want to wait until the 6th to see T it is just the way it will have to be.  He is up North until the New Year with family and seeing his kids in between and so that is that.

M, I don’t think, will make in to the New Year, I am struggling with him a bit.  He doesn’t make me smile or laugh and I forget sometimes that we are even texting.  He messages and I read them and I don’t always know what to say, in fact I don’t think I have replied to the last one.  They are very serious messages and not very light-hearted it is hard to continue a conversation like this, especially when you barely know each other.

I haven’t been online much over the festive period but it seems lots of people have and  there are a couple of new men in my inbox, should T and P turn out to be no hopers.  One in particular I have replied to has caught my eye.  His messages are cute and funny but then aren’t they all to start with.  He doesn’t quite look like chappy in the picture but then I’m saving him for next Christmas now.

…and if I didn’t get him for being good this year, then I will just be naughty and hope that works instead.  At least if it doesn’t I will hopefully have had a bloody good year waiting to find out… 🙂






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